By Asif Ali Zardari
(A Satire written by Jean Pierre Marches – Nom de plume)
Recently I have been in the news again. I thought it appropriate that
I gave a response, but my decency requires that I should not hit below
the belt as most have done in the past.
I am a democratically elected leader of the Great Islamic Republic of
Pakistan. Just as a reminder to my critics that 498 members of the
Senate out of a total of 500 voted for me as the President. They were
the representatives of the people of Pakistan. It is a great
compliment to me and rather reluctantly, I accepted the challenge to
serve my great nation.
For those who want to change the rules of the game now will have to
wait till the next elections when my term is over.
I have suffered at the hand of various governments in the past. My
loving wife Benazir Bhutto was murdered by the political enemies. I
was incarcerated in the jail for 8 long years. I was ill and suffered
from innumerable diseases as I had very little medical attention. The
scar left from that period still haunts me. I have nightmares and
sometimes I find myself floating from Islamabad to Manhattan in USA or
to an unknown Chateau in Normandy, France. These are terrible visions
and I hope and pray to the Almighty that no one should suffer such
People have been talking about my past, my childhood and my family
background. Well, I am proud of all these things and I do not wish to
disown my past. I am also proud to admit that I am a classic example
of “rags to riches” story. Whilst there are many in Pakistan who can
easily be given the same title but they shy away with embarrassment,
timidity or secrecy. I am not one of them.
To clear the hot air surrounding these allegations I will take you
for a joy ride into my past.
I hail from a very humble Sindhi family of farmers. My father Hakim
Ali Zardari broke away from the clan and set up a small cinema in
Karachi called “Bambino Cinema”. It was a good start though it made no
I was the most handsome guy in Sindh. My step-mother Mrs Zarina
Zardari is a very shrewd and visionary lady.. She suggested that I get
married to this lady the daughter of Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto, who had
finished her studies at Oxford. People accuse me that I do not have a
degree. Quite right! Did education matter in politics or the Army?
Generals Musa Khan, Tikka Khan or Yahya Khan never had any kind of
degrees. They all rose from the ranks.
They all rose to high positions. Generals like Yahya Khan or Zia ul Haque became Presidents of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. I do not have to teach you about
what kind of mess these people got us into. I have maintained a status
quo all around. Look at the politicians like Pehlwan Nawaz Sharif, and
younger Pehlwan Shahbaz Sharif who have “degrees’ and what have they
contributed towards the betterment of Pakistan. I digressed so I will
continue about my own career.
My wife had full faith and confidence in me. When Benazir came to
power in her second term she appointed me on a very sensitive
assignment as The Minister of Investment. It was a tough assignment
and I fulfilled my assignment with due diligence. In the process, as
luck would have it I had the chance to make, as they say; “a buck or
two”. This was done without hurting anyone. I shared the profit
element with the rich people of Pakistan; otherwise these rich people
would have become super-rich.
I am a bold and honest man. I will tell you the truth and will not
hide the facts like the barons of Raiwind, who continue to hide how
they made their fortunes. There was this Agosta submarines and Exocet
Missiles deal. I was approached by the Naval Chief at the time and
suggested easy way of making large sums. Vow! I exclaimed, and said
how? I was told to use the services of one Amer Lodhi (brother of
Maleeha Lodhi – colloquially who has one leg in PPP and one leg in
Amer is a lawyer and he devised the entire scheme for
me “gratis” but retained certain portion for himself and Admiral
Mansur ul Haque. I was the innocent man who simply made it convenient
so that there were no impediments. Unfortunately, US$60 Million is
still owed to me as “my commission”. This NAB chap called Saifur
Rehman, now in self imposed exile sits in Qatar, put a case against me
and as a result these funds are still stuck in Swiss. I am just
waiting for an opportune moment to go and claim these funds i.e. “my
funds” – hard earned commission.
By the way, according to NAB’s Saifur Rehman there were 40 Accounts identified with about US$1.5Billion in them.
Wrong! I had more accounts in Spain, France, USA, UK and
Switzerland. The total is now three or four times the figure stated.
People have been trying to damage my reputation by calling me by the
epithet “Mr. Ten Per Cent”. They think I was raking off 10% on any
deal that went past my eyes. So wrong!. How do they know such intimate
Well, I will again be honest and tell you the truth. The
deals that I brokered in my privileged position ranged, between 10% to
50%. I had the power to approve the deals. My nation had elected me as
the President of Islamic Republic of Pakistan to do as I willed. I did
exactly that. There is nothing in the Constitution that says I cannot
make money. They call me “King of Thieves”, “Mr Ten Per Cent” or
“Zardari 100% Pure Corruption” – all these are sour grapes. Saifur
Rehman had frozen 40 accounts in Switzerland, United Kingdom.. He is
very nasty man. This was hard earned money that he managed to block
but thanks to Musharraf’s NRO I have now managed to move all
elsewhere. Who is going to have the last laugh?
You want to know about Rockwood Surrey Mansion. I fail to understand
as to why people are interested in our Rockwood Surrey Mansion? We
have the money at our disposal and we decided to splash it the way we
wanted to do it i.e. in style. We bought the Mansion for over
£4Million in 1994. It had 400 acres of land, 15 bedrooms. We furbished
it with a beautiful Lalique Glass Dining Table which cost a small sum
of £120,000. Then we had beautiful crystal Chandeliers, and Gilded
It has had so much bad publicity of jealousy that I have
decided to sell it and is on the market for £7.5Million (say
US$11.25M). Villa in Spain. It is a palatial Villa but I do not get a chance to go
there that often.I managed to acquire a 5 acre Chateau in Normandy, France. President Sarkozy of France on his present tour was kind enough to provide his
personal helicopter to enable me to visit my father Hakim Ali Zardari
in this Chateau.
By the way, I always had connections. Sarkozy was
then the Minister of Defence when I was negotiating a deal of Agosta
submarines and Exocet Missiles. If you see the recent footage of my
visit to his official residence Quai d’Orsay you would have observed
that he received me with such warmth at the steps along with my son
My Chateau is called Manoir de la Reine Blanche (Manoir of
the White Queen). It is 16th Century Chateau and was built for the
widow of Phillippe the 4th. It is a feather in my cap. There is no
Pakistani who owns a Chateau in France. Pakistan Zindabad!
Mansion in Manhattan, New York, USA
As regards the politicians in Pakistan I decided to choose these
people; Salman Taseer, Zulfiqar Mirza, Qayyum Soomro, Rehman Malik,
Farhatullah Babar, Babar Awan, Aitzaz Ahsan, Amin Faheem, Salman
Siddique, Raza Rabbani and interalia many others. There is an old
saying “Every dog has its price”. They are my pedigree dogs and I
use them at will. They are hungry for money all the time. I just need
to throw crumbs at them to keep them satisfied. Do you see them bark
Take for example Aitzaz Ahsan, a barrister and a Cambridge
graduate. What has he contributed to democracy and well being in
Pakistan. I have hired Aitzaz Ahsan and Babar Awan to protect me.
They are my ramparts. They know that if they turn away and oppose me
in any form I will have their backside kicked. That will put a stop
to their steady and regular income from me, which makes up to millions
of Rupees on a regular basis. Like Faustus, they have sold their
souls to the devil! That is the way to operate and you must give me
full credit for my method of operation.
As regards the question of a Degree to become eligible to be a member
of the Senate, well I am told that half the members at present Senate
have fake degrees. In December a study by Pakistan Institute of
Legislative Assembly and Transparency reveals that the average net
worth of a Pakistani parliamentarian is US$ 900,000 and the richest
tops US$ 37M. So much for the parliamentarians with DEGREES. At
least I confess I do not have a degree but I have done well. I had
nothing and I am a billionaire three times over. Not bad!
My European Visit was planned well ahead. I had to visit France
which was also convenient for me to see my Dad. I wanted to
re-establish my old contacts with Sarkozy. What people forget is that
all these trips abroad by the Head of State are paid for by the
Government. I cannot change the rules. I was not wasting
government’s money. To maintain the dignity of the Head of State, one
had to stay in a £7,000 suite, which was a bargain. It is slightly
cheaper than what the Rulers of Middle Eastern countries pay.
Visit to UK was essential. I had to meet PM David Cameron to clear
the air regarding his statement in India on Pakistan and Terrorism in
Pakistan. I had also planned to induct my son Bilawal to the PPP as heir
apparent. I want to give up politics and I plan to get him become the
Head of PPP.
This visit had been planned by The High Commissioner and
he insisted that I go ahead. The floods in Pakistan have been worst
for 100 years but my presence would not have made any difference.
These political animals were making a big hullabaloo about my being
here and not returning to Pakistan. They are simply idiots.
Disrespect to the Presidency. Then there was this bearded man who
got up in his madness and threw his shoes. He showed utter disrespect
to the President of Pakistan and that too abroad. This is not the way
I hear that there were some people who were very upset about this
man’s behaviour. They protested tooth and nail in their columns and
in their BLOGS. My hats off to these people for their courage to
Thank you, Thank you and Thank you very much. Pakistan Zindabad